Fear is a funny thing. The fear of failure weighs on us all the time. But the fear of success is real, too. The fear of doing something often stops us from doing it altogether. What if... what if it sucks? What if it doesn't?
My betas are reading my manuscript now and so far I've got some encouragement comments. One of my betas is about halfway through and he believes it's a strong book, much better than The Pacific Between. I'm working on the query now and cut my synopsis down to 2 pages (it's a science!) And I have done my research, and put a few agents on the top of my list.
And now I'm like, wait a minute, do you mean I have to send them out?
What if these top agents say buzz off? What if they all reject me, laugh at me? Chances are, they will. So I'll have to do some more research, and find more agents -- maybe not as "top" -- and keep going. Sure, I have done that before. I can do it again. But the task seems so taunting, once again. And I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for this. It's easier to tell people rejection is just the bane of a writer's existence and we only need one acceptance. It's another when I'm the one going through that process. It's like a jilted bride getting back to the altar again: dating has been fun, but do I really want to do this again?
It all comes down to how much I want this, how much I believe in this story, and how much I believe in myself. It's a constant struggle, and I'm not sure how people half as sane as I am go through this. One minute I think the agents are going to love this, and the next I'm calling McDonalds to see if they're hiring.
It's going to be a long winter.