I'm still Alive

A lot has changed in the past few months, pretty much since I last wrote in... what, November?

Anyway, I am not ready to divulge yet, but I have lots of news, lots of changes to report and I am still in the process of processing them. The biggest change is what is going on inside my head and heart... I guess you can say I was going through some significant growing pain. But the good thing is, I am growing (as a person, not literally growing -- I was done with that at puberty!)

To save time, I'll repost something I wrote to a friend of mine. We are both going through some tough times in our respective lives. Through our correspondences and encouragement to each other, I seem to find a voice that is more neutral and objective:

Life has its ebb and flow -- sometimes we're in a rut and it's just up to us to get out of it... eventually, but at the same time, there's no need to rush. Sometimes we do need that down time to evaluate things, to think, to catch up with our thoughts and feelings.  As you know I've been going through a lot of internal changes and introspection lately. I've shut down FB again, this time maybe for good. We'll see.  I figure I am leaving doors open (text msg, email, etc.) for those who truly care and want to keep in touch.  All the others, they can just go and do whatever they please.

Life's too short to hold on to those who don't want to engage or don't care.

The thing is, everyone is self-centered. We have our own shit to deal with. We are just a blip on someone else's radar.  I'm fine with that.

Friendship comes and goes... that's just life. I have a close friend in high school....  we kept in touch for almost 30 years even though we live in two different continents now, but even that friendship has waned... we barely speak or write each other, maybe only on our respective birthdays and usually it's just "how are you?"  that's all.  It's kind of sad but as our lives diverge that's just how things are. I am okay with that.

I'm sorry I'm kind of out of touch too. Not that I don't care or don't think of you. Just that like I said, everyone has their own shit to deal with, and I've been dealing with mine and am in a very isolated mood and withdrawal... Don't want to divulge but that's just something I need to go through. Hopefully I will be getting out of that soon.

Funny thing is just when I didn't think anyone cared, this week's been weird... a bunch of people I haven't heard from for months just started to text or email or call me. Out of the blue. It's as if there's a cosmic power to tell them all: "hey, it's time to touch base with Ray."  It's weird.

I'm really sorry that you guys drifted apart. Like you said, sometimes people change, things change, friendship change... just keep in touch.  They and I actually drifted apart for a while, too, but then we got in touch again. It's all about emotional honesty and being there, and being true... eventually, if the friendship is built on rock and not sand, it will come back.  In the mean time, keep yourself busy, and keep meeting new people, etc.

I think that's it... we just need time and space. I know it sounds boring, that you're in a rut.  But sometimes we need to be in a rut so we can figure out how to dig out of it, and what needs to change within ourselves. It's part of the pain of growing.  I've grown so much in the past 6 months it's unbelievable.

Take care buddy and chin up. Things will get better. Just be patient.


Kathy said…
I'm glad you're still alive! I have wondered how you're doing.
Fred said…
Hope you're okay. Every time a writer drops off the grid, I worry, 'cause, well, we're nuts. Even if the only place I know you from is AW, and I rarely post so you don't know me, I still feel a camaraderie being from Pittsburgh and all. I root for you. You do a lot for other writers, and that takes a good heart, because we're vile. :)

Take care.

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