Friday, April 11, 2008

Unshakable Self-Image

What are your unshakable self-images that you've been conditioned to since childhood/adolescence? Even if you're no longer that way, and you still feel that way...

I'm not a big guy and I've never been a big guy. I was a scrawny kid. Tall among my friends, but scrawny. At 5'10" and 130 lbs, people always called me Skinny. At college, friends teased me all the time for being a stick. Even my girlfriends thought I was so skinny and they all weighed more than I did.

Now that I'm at 167 lbs, I still see myself as the 130-lb boney ass. I would see myself in the mirror and wonder, is that really me? When people say "you look thin" I immediately think they're calling me skinny. I know I'm not a big guy, but I can't shake this "skinny" image.

I also can't shake the feeling that I'm just mediocre in everything. Perhaps I am, but I know I've accomplished many things, too. Still, I've always felt that I'm just mediocre, because that was what people told me when I was a kid. I was nothing special. I was never good enough. If I got a 90, people would say, "Why didn't you get a 100?" There were always kids better than me, and people didn't take me seriously. Even as an adult, I still feel that way. It's one of the hardest self-image to get rid of.

4 comments:

Joanne said...

Wow, you made me put my brain to work on this one, Ray. You know me, and those who do know I'm only 4' 9". My height has never been a problem for me. I love being tiny. Most people, like you, see me and accept me for who I am. I guess the self-image that has followed me through life (with a selected few) is that my size is viewed as a weakness and those people think my size also reflects my intelligence and my strength. My dad always told me that dynamite comes in small packages. It's small yet powerful. That's always been my favorite phrase and I'm sticking with it. :D

You are by no means just mediocre. You're a wonderful person and have accomplished many things. I'm proud to be your friend.

Ray Wong said...

I'm proud of you.

Jenn Hollowell said...

"What are your unshakable self-images that you've been conditioned to since childhood/adolescence?"

I was constantly called ugly and that there was nothing special about me. These statements were made to me as recently as last summer, as a matter of fact. So, the unshakable self-image remains.

lauram said...

I guess that I always sort of feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, thin enough, etc. I also have the feeling that everyone else is in on some secret that I've yet to figure out...
Maybe I'm just paranoid.