Day 85

There comes a time (or a few times) in our lives when we realize or make a concerted effort to acknowledge the fact that we're either a) not very good at something, or b) not good enough and will never be good enough, or c) not good enough yet, but could be very good if we work really hard at it.

Years ago I achieved #c with my writing -- I decided that I was a good writer, just not one with enough proficiency and skills yet. I still don't think I've achieved excellence, but it also doesn't seem impossible, even when I compare my writing to the "greats." I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but I do believe that I have a knack for this writing thing. Perhaps I may never become "great" but I'm also very comfortable with being just "very good." I'm getting there.

Now, music is another matter. I've always loved music. I'd say I share equal passion in both music and writing -- in fact, they're related. I've always been a decent singer, and I have an ear for good composition, arrangement and melodies. However, I'm not a good performer. I buckle under pressure, and I can't really play instruments well. All that, of course, can be learned and perfected, but there's a nagging feeling that the most I could achieve with my music would be #b. I enjoy composing and writing songs, and I continue to learn and enjoy the learning, but I feel that I'm so far behind the curve. Not that I think my music is utter crap, but I listen to the masters out there, and I'm in awe, and I realize I could spend 50 years learning and perfecting my musical abilities and I would still not achieve 30% of what these people could do.

And the main realization is: I'm not all that frustrated and shattered by it. If someone told me I would never become a good writer, I'd probably want to jump off a bridge. But if someone told me I would never become a good composer/songwriter, I would be fine with it. So what does it say about me and my music? Do I seriously recognize my limitations, or am I giving up too easily because I lack the passion?

Right now, I do enjoy the spurts of creativity, if only for my own amusement. And maybe eventually I'll finish the album and move on. I'm just not in a big hurry, and I'm actually enjoying myself. So that has to be a good thing.

2500 words, 30700 words total
280 days and 154800 words to go